


The Business Cards of James T. Kirk and How He Uses Them

by ksalterego



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Age Regression AND Gender Swap, Age Regression/De-Aging, Angst, Cockblocking, Drabble, Exhausted Pike, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender or Sex Swap, Happy Ending, M/M, Troublemaker Kirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-14
Updated: 2013-04-14
Packaged: 2017-12-08 11:36:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/760892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksalterego/pseuds/ksalterego
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, Jim Kirk's business cards.  You gotta wonder, right?  Like, he's famous throughout the galaxy but, everywhere?  <em>Everywhere</em>?   So Starfleet saw fit to get him (and all his BAMF crew, of course)  business cards.  So he could hand them out before (or after?), well,  everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Business Cards of James T. Kirk and How He Uses Them

Here's the business card Starfleet gave him.  Yeah.  BO-OR-ING!!!  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/ksalterego/pic/00003pyt/)

So he may have modified them just a little.  Like for instance.  Here's the one he gave Uhura as a little inside joke.  Funny thing, that one ended up on the internet, of all places.  Took a little while for the furor to die down over that one, and he even heard about it from Pike ("Captain Kirk, Starfleet doesn't need your dick hanging out all over the galaxy.  Rein it in, will you?").  The other funny thing about this one was that the Klingons caught wind of it, and Jim actually got the unique experience of watching an entire Klingon bridge laughing their asses off at him.  But only until he blasted them out of existence.  Well, no, not really out of existence.  He just had Chekov hack their systems while they were rolling around on the floor laughing, then lowered their shields long enough to disable the fuckers.  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/ksalterego/pic/0000kc1t/)

This is the one he gave to the head Klingon in his brig.  Because...he could.  Funny, he was pretty sure Pike was calling to chew his ass out after that one hit the internet, but Pike didn't activate the visual so all he got were some choking noises and something he was pretty sure translated to "Dammit, Kirk!"  Of course, the email Pike sent him a little later was explicitly clear: "Do not antagonize the Klingons!"  Well, maybe that's what it said.  He really only glanced at it for about three seconds before deleting it by accident because seriously, Spock needs to stop walking into his quarters unannounced and scaring the living daylights out of him by breathing on the back of his neck and making him mash buttons on the keyboard out of sheer, unadulterated fright.  Yeah, Spock claims it was just his natural body heat Jim felt, but that's a load of bullshit and Jim knows his BAMF first officer faaarrr too well to believe that line.  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/ksalterego/pic/0000206p/)

And here's the one he gave Bones, after hearing "I just want to help, darlin'" one time too effing many.  He's pretty sure he saw it once on Bones' desk, just taking up space.  And he's also pretty sure he saw it later stuck to McCoy's picture wall in his quarters, just a glimpse between a picture of Bones and Joanna and a picture of Bones and Jim that was taken in San Francisco, right after the Narada thing, when they were all still giddy and shell-shocked, their arms thrown over each others shoulders, looking at each other and laughing, their brittle tension only visible if you knew what to look for.  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/ksalterego/pic/0000awkq/)

Then there's the one he left with the pretty blue and feathery girl he met at Starbase 8 because, seriously, cock-blocked _again_ by his raging lunatic of a first officer?  That shit needed to _stop_.  And yes, as Spock mentioned more than once, that was right about the same time the Enterprise's servers got overloaded with spam.  You know...spam...penis extenders, viagra, vibrators, vegetables, whips, chains, costumes; it really was a mixed bag there.  And Jim had gotten another unique experience when he'd seen Spock accidentally open one of those messages during a working lunch and come face to face with - heh, well, anyway, Jim had nearly choked on his sandwich from laughing so hard at the look on Spock's face, and Spock had thumped him on the back a little too hard.  And then left his hand there, a little too long.  And Jim hadn't made him move it.  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/ksalterego/pic/0000734s/)

Of course, there are a few he's not so sure he should have put out there.  Like, the ones he ordered after those stupid Dalaxians sex-changed him (briefly, thank the gods!).  This one just gives him chills and even though he was certain at the time that he destroyed every last one of them, they still show up in odd places and at odd moments.  At least Pike was sensitive enough not to call when this one hit the internet.  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/ksalterego/pic/0000dpga/)

He really has to stop this shit.  His crew is out of control.  One little attempt at humor and suddenly they can't take him seriously.  This one.  This one he had licked the back of and slapped to Spock's forehead (alone in Jim's quarters for a working dinner) after hearing "Captain, that is illogical" one freaking time too freaking many!  The look on Spock's face had vanished Jim's temper and started him laughing, and the look on Spock's face when he read the card nearly had him hysterical.  Until Spock retaliated with a waaay handsy grab and a lick up the edge of Jim's jawbone that gave him shivers down his spine and hot, sparking dreams for the next three nights.  After which the card showed up stuck to Spock's workstation ON THE BRIDGE and Jim didn't _dare_ remove it.  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/ksalterego/pic/0000c7q2/)

This is the one he gave Sulu as a joke after a particularly harrowing away mission and which has also shown up on the internet, although with less drastic fallout than the one he gave Uhura.  And at least Pike didn't call him directly on it, although there were not-so-subtle hints in his next four communiques.  Jim figured that at the very least it would misdirect his enemies if they got ahold of it, because if Spock tells you you have the ability to be subtle, there's a pretty good chance you actually do have that ability, and making his enemies think otherwise can only be a good thing.  Three weeks later it occurred to Jim that "ability to be" does not actually mean "is".  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/ksalterego/pic/0000e3r8/)

But there's no holding back James Tiberius Kirk!  Is there!?!  He handed this one out at a Starfleet function that Pike blackmailed him into attending.  Bonus: Jim had managed to blackmail Spock into attending with him.  What?  Vulcans can't be blackmailed?  Really?  Well, tell that to the Vulcan he had blackmailed with one little picture.  Just one.  Not even a good one, at that.  No, no, Jim is a man of his word so no, that picture will never be made public.  But let's just say that there was chocolate involved.  And maybe some groping.  Between senior officers.  _Yes_ , senior officers on the Enterprise!  Sheesh!  And maybe even some sloppy, open-mouthed licking of the chocolate off one of the officers by the other officer.  Maybe.  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/ksalterego/pic/000014c9/)

So here's the one he made all by himself and ordered when those stupid Got'ahl'thkns age-reverted him.  When he went around passing them out to the crew (as a six-year-old, for pity's sake!), Uhura said it was "cute."  Chekov was very serious when he accepted his.  Sulu said he did a great job.  Scotty blinked at it twice then chucked it into the closest plasma converter (which, while it made Jim get all wibbly at the time, after he got all grown up again he programmed three more sandwiches into the replicators just for Scotty).  Spock very seriously said it was an age appropriate effort.  And Bones.  Well, Jim is pretty certain he's seen this card hanging out on Bones' picture wall between a picture of Bones and Chapel and a picture of Bones holding six-year-old-Jim.  A fast asleep six-year-old-Jim.  Asleep and drooling all over Bones' shoulder.  No matter how many times he had requested that Bones remove the picture (not to mention, removed it himself), it kept reappearing.  Jim was still looking for the picture file on the Enterprise's servers.  Dammit.  
  
   
Here's the one he gave Chekov as a warning but which somehow seems to get dealt into the first deck of every deal on poker night.  It wouldn't be so bad if Chekov didn't win the first game every time.  And shouldn't he know by now what happens when he gives his cards to his crew???  Pike didn't seem pissed as much as exhausted during that little chat.  


Then, of course, there's this one.  From when those stupid Ichthians age-reverted AND sex-changed him.  Fuckers.  Pike did call him when this one showed up on the internet, but Jim flat-out refused to take that communique.  And thank goodness Spock took the call for him and lied through his teeth that Jim was down with a fever and a rash that could be spread across eighty gajillion miles of subspace because otherwise he'd probably be working for his BAGQMF first officer right now.  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/ksalterego/pic/0000919h/)

If his seriously hot first officer would just _stop_ with the cock-blocking, maybe Jim'd be able to stop working his dick raw from the simple need for human fucking contact (because, NO, his own hand did not suffice, no matter how many times he tried)!  Gods!!  That chick was hot, and she wanted him, and she had a friend!  So, this is the card Jim flipped at Spock instead of at the girl after Spock physically dragged him out of the bar and got them beamed up, right there in the transporter room in front of Scotty (but only for as long as it took Scotty to vacate the room, which was impressively fast, really), in a blinding temper.  And it was quite interesting how fast pushing and shoving and shouting turned into kissing and groping and raging hard-ons, and from there it was utterly astonishing how fast they shoved apart, breathless, shocked, needy, and, if Spock felt anything like Jim did, their world had just turned on its axis.  And, Jim figured that also explained all the cock-blocking.  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/ksalterego/pic/0000pk4x/)

This is the one Jim found in his wallet.  The one Spock put in his wallet.  The one he keeps with him always.  This one has never hit the internet, and never will.  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/ksalterego/pic/0000h124/)


End file.
